its weird how getting older can change your perspective of things. time isn't something i have ever really thought about. its not something i worry about getting away from me. 10 years ago today i was in primary childrens medical center in ICU in a medically induced coma. weird. yesterday was the 10 year anniversary of a day that changed my life. it was a day that i will never forget. 10 years ago today i was in my car accident. i just turned 15. i was juggling school, and boys, and friends, and trying to keep up with making my stepdad not hate me somehow. my parents were seperating and for the most part i lived with my grandma. on september 30th 2002 i was with a boy who would later become one of the biggest mistakes of my life and we decided to make cheesecake for some reason. i don't remember why but on the way to the store he got mad at me... and started speeding... 45 in a 25. i asked him to slow down and he wouldn't. i looked at him, looked back in front of me and there was a giant suburban turning left directly in front of us. i screamed and put my hand in front of me. for some reason i always put the seat all the way up as close to the window as it would go and prop my left knee on the dash. this is how i was when we hit. i screamed and was knocked out on impact. when i woke up i could see the windsheild was smashed. the first thing i did was look at my hand. i put my right hand in front of me and it hit the windsheild. it was broken. then i saw the smoke. the only thing i could think of was getting out of that car. i was so afraid it was going to burst in to flames and i would be trapped. now keep in mind i NEVER wore my seatbelt before this and for some reason i had it on. i had to get out. so out of panic i reached up with my broken right hand and tried to move the seatbelt to where it was behind me. then i felt a huge amount of pain and heard a loud CRACK. that was when i knew my collar bone was also broken. i couldn't move my left leg. my knee was fractured from having in on the dash when we hit. keep in mind all of this happened over the course of about 60 seconds. once i knew i was seriously hurt and there was no way i was getting myself out of that car i started to panic. i couldn't breathe. i was trying to scream for help and couldn't. i don't remember him showing up but there was a jogger in the area who low and behold was an EMT. he kept telling me not to move. don't move don't move was all he said at first. i found out later that on impact my head hit the headrest so hard it knocked it clean off the seat so they were very worried about me moving my head/neck/back. when the ambulance finally arrived i still didn't feel like i was going to be ok. there were 2 emts and 2 fireman there to get me out of the car. they had to rip the door off then move me to a stretcher. once i was out of the car and in the ambulance all i wanted was my mom. i kept screaming for my mom. finally she got there right as they were getting ready to move me to the hospital. on the way to the hospital i was stabbed with needles more times then i can tell you. i was in shock so i didn't have any good veins. i was given 2 IVS with fluids and had blood work drawn. i was taken to the tooele hospital. while at the hospital i had xrays done on my hand and knee. hand broken. knee fractured. collarbone broken. my mom was with me. i was terrified. she said "it could always be worse. you could be in a helicopter." it wasn't even 5 minutes later a nurse came in and said they got my blood back and i needed to be airlifted to primary. i thought i was going to die. it took about 10 minutes for the helicopter. when they were ready for me they wrapped me in those awesome heated blankets. they told me it was going to be loud. when i was in the helicopter i kept coming in and out of conciousness. i only remember one thing. i don't remember if it was loud, i don't remember take off or landing, but i remember the blue light. it was right over me, just an interior helicopter light but i remember that more vividly then anything. everything after the blue light is a blur. i remember being told i was getting a catheter. it really is as bad as you think. trust me. i remember being told something was wrong with my spleen. i was in icu for 3 days. i remember visitors. i remember a distant cousin coming and talking to my mom saying she was so sorry. again i thought i was going to die. when i finally woke up i was able to learn what was wrong with me. i had been put in a medically induced coma because the car accident had laserated my spleen and the doctors were afraid it was going to rupture. i was then moved to a normal recovery room. after 5 days in recovery i was able to go home. i have an intense fear of needles. i am nervous in a car unless i am driving. i have ptsd. i hate hospitals. i am a control freak. but i am greatful. i am so glad i have been able to see the last 10 years. good. bad. i'm just glad i get to be here. i know i know... its just a frickin car accident. but this car accident changed me. completely. and its been on my mind and blogging usually helps.

its weird how getting older can change your perspective of things. time isn't something i have ever really thought about. its not something i worry about getting away from me. 10 years ago today i was in primary childrens medical center in ICU in a medically induced coma. weird. yesterday was the 10 year anniversary of a day that changed my life. it was a day that i will never forget. 10 years ago today i was in my car accident. i just turned 15. i was juggling school, and boys, and friends, and trying to keep up with making my stepdad not hate me somehow. my parents were seperating and for the most part i lived with my grandma. on september 30th 2002 i was with a boy who would later become one of the biggest mistakes of my life and we decided to make cheesecake for some reason. i don't remember why but on the way to the store he got mad at me... and started speeding... 45 in a 25. i asked him to slow down and he wouldn't. i looked at him, looked back in front of me and there was a giant suburban turning left directly in front of us. i screamed and put my hand in front of me. for some reason i always put the seat all the way up as close to the window as it would go and prop my left knee on the dash. this is how i was when we hit. i screamed and was knocked out on impact. when i woke up i could see the windsheild was smashed. the first thing i did was look at my hand. i put my right hand in front of me and it hit the windsheild. it was broken. then i saw the smoke. the only thing i could think of was getting out of that car. i was so afraid it was going to burst in to flames and i would be trapped. now keep in mind i NEVER wore my seatbelt before this and for some reason i had it on. i had to get out. so out of panic i reached up with my broken right hand and tried to move the seatbelt to where it was behind me. then i felt a huge amount of pain and heard a loud CRACK. that was when i knew my collar bone was also broken. i couldn't move my left leg. my knee was fractured from having in on the dash when we hit. keep in mind all of this happened over the course of about 60 seconds. once i knew i was seriously hurt and there was no way i was getting myself out of that car i started to panic. i couldn't breathe. i was trying to scream for help and couldn't. i don't remember him showing up but there was a jogger in the area who low and behold was an EMT. he kept telling me not to move. don't move don't move was all he said at first. i found out later that on impact my head hit the headrest so hard it knocked it clean off the seat so they were very worried about me moving my head/neck/back. when the ambulance finally arrived i still didn't feel like i was going to be ok. there were 2 emts and 2 fireman there to get me out of the car. they had to rip the door off then move me to a stretcher. once i was out of the car and in the ambulance all i wanted was my mom. i kept screaming for my mom. finally she got there right as they were getting ready to move me to the hospital. on the way to the hospital i was stabbed with needles more times then i can tell you. i was in shock so i didn't have any good veins. i was given 2 IVS with fluids and had blood work drawn. i was taken to the tooele hospital. while at the hospital i had xrays done on my hand and knee. hand broken. knee fractured. collarbone broken. my mom was with me. i was terrified. she said "it could always be worse. you could be in a helicopter." it wasn't even 5 minutes later a nurse came in and said they got my blood back and i needed to be airlifted to primary. i thought i was going to die. it took about 10 minutes for the helicopter. when they were ready for me they wrapped me in those awesome heated blankets. they told me it was going to be loud. when i was in the helicopter i kept coming in and out of conciousness. i only remember one thing. i don't remember if it was loud, i don't remember take off or landing, but i remember the blue light. it was right over me, just an interior helicopter light but i remember that more vividly then anything. everything after the blue light is a blur. i remember being told i was getting a catheter. it really is as bad as you think. trust me. i remember being told something was wrong with my spleen. i was in icu for 3 days. i remember visitors. i remember a distant cousin coming and talking to my mom saying she was so sorry. again i thought i was going to die. when i finally woke up i was able to learn what was wrong with me. i had been put in a medically induced coma because the car accident had laserated my spleen and the doctors were afraid it was going to rupture. i was then moved to a normal recovery room. after 5 days in recovery i was able to go home. i have an intense fear of needles. i am nervous in a car unless i am driving. i have ptsd. i hate hospitals. i am a control freak. but i am greatful. i am so glad i have been able to see the last 10 years. good. bad. i'm just glad i get to be here. i know i know... its just a frickin car accident. but this car accident changed me. completely. and its been on my mind and blogging usually helps.