its weird how getting older can change your perspective of things. time isn't something i have ever really thought about. its not something i worry about getting away from me. 10 years ago today i was in primary childrens medical center in ICU in a medically induced coma. weird. yesterday was the 10 year anniversary of a day that changed my life. it was a day that i will never forget. 10 years ago today i was in my car accident. i just turned 15. i was juggling school, and boys, and friends, and trying to keep up with making my stepdad not hate me somehow. my parents were seperating and for the most part i lived with my grandma. on september 30th 2002 i was with a boy who would later become one of the biggest mistakes of my life and we decided to make cheesecake for some reason. i don't remember why but on the way to the store he got mad at me... and started speeding... 45 in a 25. i asked him to slow down and he wouldn't. i looked at him, looked back in front of me and there was a giant suburban turning left directly in front of us. i screamed and put my hand in front of me. for some reason i always put the seat all the way up as close to the window as it would go and prop my left knee on the dash. this is how i was when we hit. i screamed and was knocked out on impact. when i woke up i could see the windsheild was smashed. the first thing i did was look at my hand. i put my right hand in front of me and it hit the windsheild. it was broken. then i saw the smoke. the only thing i could think of was getting out of that car. i was so afraid it was going to burst in to flames and i would be trapped. now keep in mind i NEVER wore my seatbelt before this and for some reason i had it on. i had to get out. so out of panic i reached up with my broken right hand and tried to move the seatbelt to where it was behind me. then i felt a huge amount of pain and heard a loud CRACK. that was when i knew my collar bone was also broken. i couldn't move my left leg. my knee was fractured from having in on the dash when we hit. keep in mind all of this happened over the course of about 60 seconds. once i knew i was seriously hurt and there was no way i was getting myself out of that car i started to panic. i couldn't breathe. i was trying to scream for help and couldn't. i don't remember him showing up but there was a jogger in the area who low and behold was an EMT. he kept telling me not to move. don't move don't move was all he said at first. i found out later that on impact my head hit the headrest so hard it knocked it clean off the seat so they were very worried about me moving my head/neck/back. when the ambulance finally arrived i still didn't feel like i was going to be ok. there were 2 emts and 2 fireman there to get me out of the car. they had to rip the door off then move me to a stretcher. once i was out of the car and in the ambulance all i wanted was my mom. i kept screaming for my mom. finally she got there right as they were getting ready to move me to the hospital. on the way to the hospital i was stabbed with needles more times then i can tell you. i was in shock so i didn't have any good veins. i was given 2 IVS with fluids and had blood work drawn. i was taken to the tooele hospital. while at the hospital i had xrays done on my hand and knee. hand broken. knee fractured. collarbone broken. my mom was with me. i was terrified. she said "it could always be worse. you could be in a helicopter." it wasn't even 5 minutes later a nurse came in and said they got my blood back and i needed to be airlifted to primary. i thought i was going to die. it took about 10 minutes for the helicopter. when they were ready for me they wrapped me in those awesome heated blankets. they told me it was going to be loud. when i was in the helicopter i kept coming in and out of conciousness. i only remember one thing. i don't remember if it was loud, i don't remember take off or landing, but i remember the blue light. it was right over me, just an interior helicopter light but i remember that more vividly then anything. everything after the blue light is a blur. i remember being told i was getting a catheter. it really is as bad as you think. trust me. i remember being told something was wrong with my spleen. i was in icu for 3 days. i remember visitors. i remember a distant cousin coming and talking to my mom saying she was so sorry. again i thought i was going to die. when i finally woke up i was able to learn what was wrong with me. i had been put in a medically induced coma because the car accident had laserated my spleen and the doctors were afraid it was going to rupture. i was then moved to a normal recovery room. after 5 days in recovery i was able to go home. i have an intense fear of needles. i am nervous in a car unless i am driving. i have ptsd. i hate hospitals. i am a control freak. but i am greatful. i am so glad i have been able to see the last 10 years. good. bad. i'm just glad i get to be here. i know i know... its just a frickin car accident. but this car accident changed me. completely. and its been on my mind and blogging usually helps.

i guess since i have a minute of quiet i will write about our trip!

monday:
woke up at 315 am to get ready to head to the airport at 430. tami came and picked us up and we flew confirmed (bought tickets) to long beach. we got to long beach about 730. we caught a shuttle and headed to the paradise pier hotel. once we got there we dropped off our bags, loaded up the stroller and headed to the park! i had my fanny pack strapped on my hip, stroller in front of me with my favorite little guy riding passenger, dusty my love, and tami my voice of reason all with me and we were ready to hit the park! we spent almost the whole day in disneyland barely even ventured over to ca adventure that day. it was perfect. corbin loved it and had so much fun. we ate a TON of junk food then headed over to my dinner choice; tortilla jo's. it was amazing like it always is. we then headed back to the room to get some much needed sleep.

tuesday:
woke up at 630 to get ready to be at character breakfast at 8 am. we went to goofys kitchen at disneyland hotel which was freaking amazing. if you have never done a character breakfast and you have little ones, you NEED to do it. they come right to your table, interact with each person, stick around for pics, sign autograph books, the whole 9. it was great. corbin loved them. he really warmed up to baloo from jungle book. loved baloo. he would laugh like crazy everytime one of them came over after baloo. it was awesome. if you haven't done it you need to. after that was headed over to the park. the park closed at 6 that day but it was fine because we had medieval times dinner that night. we ran around the park all day and got as much in as we could. we went back to the hotel about 330, got ready for dinner and caught our bus to medieval times. we had paid in advanced for the kings royalty upgrade which included pictures. right before we went up to take pictures corbin fell HARD and hit his little nose right on a step. he was screaming heis head off but dusty is so amazing he was able to calm him down and we actually got some pretty good pics. then it was time to head in to the bar. LOL. we all had drinks (except corbin of course!) tami had a daquiri, i had more beers then i care to say, dusty was drinking beer... it was a good time. our knight was the red and yellow night. he won! our knight won and is protector of the realm. oh yeah! after dinner we went back to the hotel and tami was nice enough to watch corbin for us so we could go out and continue our party. we walked all the way over to downtown disney and everything was closed! wtf! it was only 10!! so we went back to the hotel and had beer at the bar in there. we had a beer each and went back to the room to get ready for the next day.

wednesday:
this day was awesome. we did sooooo much. first thing in the morning we decided character dining was so awesome we wanted to go again. we went to the one at our hotel which really sucked compared to goofys kitchen. the characters weren't coming by and i was getting annoyed. it was time to go to the park. we did all of the little kid rides in ca adventure for corbin, took him to the disney junior show, and we all got to do the adult rides too. it worked perfect. by this time we had figured out a system. we would go go go til corbin fell asleep about 1230-100, once he was out we would all take turns going on the adult rides. dusty and tami decided they wanted to go on the toy story ride in ca adventure (which is sooo much fun), i agreed to just hang out with sleeping corbin while they went. so they went and got in line and sleeping corbin and i went wondering down the boardwalk. i came across a BEER STAND. did you know they sold beer in ca adventure? me neither! i got me a beer and started walking back to where i would meet dusty and tami. i found a bench in the shade by the farriswheel and just sat there and relaxed. it was just what i needed. then when they came out of the ride we headed over to disneyland to started getting some rides in over there. it was great. after our long day in the park we stopped and got some pizza and salads to take back to the room. we were all exhausted!

thursday:
oh thursday.... i hate thursday. we got up early because we had our magic morning that day. we got to the park when they were letting people in for the early entry and went straight to fantasy land. we did as many rides in fantasy land as possible before the park opened to everyone. we went over to a restaurant in the park when we were done there to have breakfast. breakfast was good but something happened later in the day i am convinced was linked to this breakfast! after breakfast me and dusty did splash mountain and we got pictures with tigger and pooh and decided to go to tomorrow land. i wasn't feeling well. i threw up in one of the bathrooms and felt a tiny bit better so me and dusty decided to go on space mountain. something wasn't right. i felt like i had swallowed a bowling ball and it was really really wanting to come out. we went on space mountain and i as done after that. i knew i wouldn't make it. i tried to drink some sprite and eat something salty to calm my tummy but it wasn't happening. i told dusty and tami i needed to go back to the room for a bit. dusty and tami were worried and wanted to come back too. it was only noon. i was not going to let me being sick ruin everyones last day of vacation. so dusty and tami finally agreed and i went back. it was the longest walk of my life. i didn't want to barf everywhere in front of everyone so i struggled the whole way to keep composed. when i FINALLY got back to the room all hell broke loose. i was throwing up. i puked for about a half hour then layed down to try and sleep it off. i set my phone alarm for an hour. i woke up to it still feeling like trash. so i slept for another hour and tami called to check on me. i told her i wasn't going to make it back to the park but i really wanted her and dusty to do everything they could to make sure corbin and they had a great last day. dusty and tami came back to the room with corbin at about 530. this is when it got REALLY bad. i couldn't keep anything down. not a sip of water, not any pepto, nothing. i was throwing up when there was nothing to throw up. we called the hotel nurse and they refused to see me and recommended i get to an emergency room. worst idea ever. this scared me and it scared everyone else too. dusty insisted we go. we called a cab to take us and we got dropped off at the most ghetto place i have ever been in my life. it was down a back alley, it smelled bad. it was packed full. no where to sit. they told us there was at least a five hour wait. NO WAY. i told dusty i would get worse sitting here waiting and we better just go back to the hotel. we called the cab and got the hell out of there. i was so bad. scarey bad. we got back to the hotel and i took a bath. i turned that water as hot as it would go and filled the tub as full as i could. i stayed in there for probably 30 minutes. dusty sat with me and talked with me about what we should do next. well after the bath i was feeling much better and was able to keep water down. we focused mostly on getting me hydrated and to bed. i went to bed. dusty is a saint. he packed everything. he got everything all ready for us to leave at 4 am the next day, tami took care of corbin and got him to bed. everyone worked as a team for me. dusty got me clothes for the next day, corbin clothes for the next day, left out the toothbrushes and stuff for morning, packed any breakables perfect and nothing broke. he was amazing. best husband ever. tami was amazing too. she helped so much. so it was about 2 am and we had to be up at 4 and i wake up... i can hear dusty puking. OMG. now he is sick too. what are we going to do! we have to leave in 2 hours to go sit in the airport and hope we make our flight (we were flying standby home). luckily dusty wasn't nearly as sick as i was so we were able to get up and go. we got to the airport and i was feeling faint. i couldnt stand for more then 10 minutes without feeling like i was going to pass out. so as sick as dusty was he handled checking the bags and taking care of everything while tami chased corbin. again both of them are amazing. we finally get threw security and to our gate. 2 seats open. 2 people aren't going on this flight. dusty and tami both agreed it best for me to go because i was so sick and i said i would take corbin so i could get at least us home. longest flight of my life. corbin was pretty good but i had to pee the whole time and of course couldn't go because i cant just leave my 2 year old who won't buckle his seatbelt or sit still by himself. the stupid flight attendants wouldn't bring us drinks (keep in mind corbin is screaming for "milky" at this point). i didnt know how i was getting home or what the crap i was going to do when i got to salt lake. we landed and i turned on my phone to see that my amazing fellow travelers had called derek (brother in law) to come get me and corbin. derek had text me and told me to call him when i got in. me and corbin went pee FINALLY and went down to baggage. i wasn't even going to try to get the bags because it was not going to be possible. i had the stroller. plus the checked bags were 2 large suitcases, and a car seat. not easy for one sick weak person. i got to the baggage and there they were. all of them. all together. i decided screw it and just grabbed them. now i had to figure out how to get them curbside for derek to come get us. i was struggling plus looked like i had been hit by a damn bus and a nice man came to help me. he took one of my bags and walked it curbside. so many people had helped this poor girl for the last 24 hours i could of cried i was so greatful. derek arrived shortly after and when we finally tetris'd all the bags into his car plus corbin in one car seat and brady in another we were on our way. i got home and corbin went right to sleep on the couch, i grabbed a pillow and blanket and passed out. i woke up to dusty and tami knocking on the door. everyone was home. safe and sound. thank god. derek saved me that day because i would of died if i had to sit in a damn airport for another 4 hours. dusty was amazing as usual. tami helped so much with corbin and helped keep me and dusty level headed. everyone helped. everyone was there for me. that is what family is all about.

we had a great time despite me getting sick. i am so glad we took tami. it really made the trip and we enjoyed her company every second. corbin loved having grandma all to himself and not going to lie we loved having tami all to ourselves too :). it was great. awesome trip. awesome family. great memories.

by the way! if you have never traveled with a fanny pack you haven't lived. that thing was my best friend. i had everything i needed strapped right to my hip. no digging in my purse no worrying about losing anything or anything getting stolen. it was awesome. love my fanny. don't like carrying a purse around anymore. buy a fanny pack if you are traveling! i don't care how ridiculous it looked it is easily the most convienient thing i have ever owned. love the fanny.

i just have to get one last post in before vacation. mostly because i am so excited i feel like i could explode and there isn't much i can do yet because dusty is sleeping.

i woke up this morning hitting my goal weight for the trip. i got on the scale this morning and thought it was lieing. i literally weighed myself like 6 times and every time it said the same thing. i can't believe it. i never thought ever that i could do it. i just never gave up and right now in this moment i couldn't be happier with myself. the hard work, the dieting, the constant voice i have kept in my head telling myself i could do this. i thought that voice was a lier. i thought i put it there to trick myself into staying motivated so no matter what happened i would still keep going. i am not stopping now. hell no. i still have 30 more pounds to lose before i will be at my dream weight. i know it is a slow process and that i why i am so excited to celebrate this victory. 19.5 pounds. gone. never coming back. i feel like i could do anything right now. i have been struggling with my weight since i had corbin. i hated looking in the mirror. i hated getting pictures taken of myself. i really just hated myself in general. right now i don't. right now i am so proud of myself. i can't believe it. OMG i can't believe it! I AM SO HAPPY!!!

when the crap did it become febuary 5th? WTH! we leave tomorrow. how the hell did this come so quickly? how did i do this? how did i plan this? how do i have everything booked, reservations made, and tickets to the happiest place on earth sitting right in front of me? OMG. tomorrow. tomorrow we arrive in long beach at 7:24. we will be at the hotel by 9 am. the park opens at 10. we will be there in line waiting to go in the park in 24 hours. wow. i am so excited to take corbin. i am so excited for him to see mickey and donald and minnie. i am so excited to take him to the live disney junior show. i am so excited to take him on rides and let him eat sugar all day and run around disneyland without a care in the world. can't wait. so much to do. packing. cleaning. gym. tanning. laundry. key to family member to check on house. paint toes. set dvr. cash in coins we have been saving to add to spending money. one thing that i am more proud of then anything is we paid for this whole trip. didn't charge a thing. aren't charging a thing the whole time we are there. we have more to take and spend then the entire trip cost. holy crap its sunday! i can officially say that we are going to be in disneyland in 24 hours. i cannot believe it. time to wake up dusty and get moving! so. much. to. do.

WOW. thats all i can really say right now. i can't believe that 7 days from right now i will be running around my house packing for disneyland. i remember when we booked the trip. doesn't seem that long ago. now it is here. so weird. time is flying by lately. i have so much going on in my life right now. i feel like i am always going somewhere. always doing something. its nuts.

i am finally losing weight. the right way. no fad diets. i have been going to the gym at least an hour 5 days a week. i have been dieting. it is working! i have lost 15.3 pounds as of right now. i feel great. i do have these feelings of doubt. i always doubt myself. i never feel like it is enough. did i workout enough? did i count my calories good enough? am i strong enough to do this? its hard. i have been trying to keep positive. not easy. busting my butt to lose a pound or 2 a week is really really different for me. on hcg i was losing 1-2 pounds per day. so this slow but steady thing is all new. i am still trying to get used to it. i feel amazing tho. i have energy and i feel stronger. i am a size smaller in jeans and my boobs are shrinking! (i know most people would think this is a bad thing but in my case its really not.) i just feel like i am at war with myself. i have a constant battle going on in my head. i am so proud of myself and i feel so confident i can do this! i also doubt myself and don't feel like i will succeed. its so back and forth. all day. everyday. i am really currently focusing on keeping my head right and being aware of how good i am doing. i know i look better. i don't look how i want to yet but i know i will. just gotta keep going and stay positive. the goal is 140. i still have a ways to go but i can do it! dusty has been sooooo amazing as usual thru out my whole weight loss thing. he supports me 110%. there is no way i would be able to do this and i would of lost what i did without him. i go to the gym monday, tuesday, wednesday morning. he wakes me up, watches corbin, and still manages to get himself ready for work before i even get home. thursdays and fridays i get home from work, throw on my gym clothes and usually don't get home until 830 or 9 and dusty is home watching corbin. he has been a huge support. i am so lucky to have him. he always makes sure my gym clothes are clean for me when i get home. he has been taking care of the house and just everything. he does everything. i feel so useless around there lately. if i'm not at work i am at the gym. when he is at work i am so exhausted from working all week and gym all week i don't do anything. it is SO hard for me to find any motivation on my days off because i am soooo spent. he is just amazing. i can't believe how lucky i am. he is my best friend and my rock. i would be lost with out dusty and he keeps me in check ;)

disneyland. wow. i am not trying to brag but i am pretty damn proud of myself. i have never planned anything this big before. hotel booked, reservations for food and shuttles made, plane tickets purchased, money for spending saved. now if i can get us all packed and not forget anything i will really be impressed. this is going to be an amazing trip. i am so excited to be staying at a disneyland property. i can't believe it. that is one thing i never thought i would be able to do. we are going to have breakfast with characters. we are going to have 4 full days in the park. we are taking a good amount of spending money. we are taking tami! we are going to have soooo much fun. i am so excited to spend some quality time with tami. we hung out ALL THE TIME when me and dusty lived with her. eating dinner together every night, watching our shows together. i miss it. can't wait to have it be the 4 of us in disneyland for 4 whole days! so excited. so stressed. so ready. now i just need the giants to win the superbowl the night before we leave...

i cannot believe that 2011 is over. this year had some major ups and downs. i made some big moves... 2011 our basement flooded. worst.day.ever. i left skywest and got an awesome job at amex. (major upgrade). we didn't get too much accomplished in 2011. i look at all the things we planned on doing that we didn't do and it is a little depressing. so 2012 will be different. i know everyone says that. "next year we will get things done. next year we will accomplish resolutions and get shit done." well i plan on saying those things and meaning them. next year is the get it done now or never year. with planning on getting pregnant the first part of 2013 we have to get stuff done. i don't want to be remodeling a kitchen with a new baby. i don't want to be painting a house with a new baby. i don't want to be scrambling right before i have the baby to get the room ready and house ready. i don't want to be fat when i get pregnant so i go thru the same weight struggles with new baby that i went thru with corbin. so as we all know i am a list person. this is my 2012 list and how i plan i getting it done.
keep in mind we do have a huge vacation planned and when we get back we are going to be dumping money in savings like crazy...

1- lose weight. i know. how cliche am i... last year i lost 30 pounds and gained it all back. i lose i gain i lose i gain. that is because i have never tried to lose weight the way you are supposed to lose weight. i have done hcg, i have crash dieted, i have taken diet pills and starved myself. it doesn't work. it always comes back. i started 2 weeks ago dieting and excersing like a healthy person who wants to lose weight. i have lost 6.5 pounds. who knew diet and cardio actually work. i know it won't happen overnight like hcg, i know some weeks i won't lose anything or worse i might even gain. as long as i keep my mind right and stay focused i can do it and i will. since we are all friends here i will say that right now i weigh 180. i want to be in the 160 area (even if it is 169.9) before we go on our trip. 10 pounds in 5 weeks. i can do that. i just have to be good and keep it up!

2- have an amazing vacation to kick off the new year. that is going to happen. trip is paid for. all we need to do is save up some spending money and we are good to go. no better way to kick off 2012 then disneyland in my opinion.

3- number 3 is a pretty loaded thing. there is so much to do that involves number 3. we are going to disney and when we get back we are going to DUMP money in savings. i mean as much money as possible. 2012 we have to : get new carpet in the living room and upstairs in all the bedrooms, we need to paint the whole inside of the house, we need to get a new couch, new entertainment center, new giant tv, new furniture for the bedrooms. i know i put NEED on a lot of things on the list that we probably don't NEED but we want it and we are going to work for it. i just picture myself in the living room with the new baby on the floor under a blankie on the new carpet with corbin watching a movie on our big tv sitting in our new entertainment center. i don't really love my house. i mean i love having it but i don't love it. i want to walk in my house and look around and love everything about it. i want to love the color of the walls and carpet, love the decor, everything. i think it is really important to truely love where you live. i hate the tile floor and being so freaked out that corbin is going to fall and crack his head open, i hate the dirty off white color of the walls, i hate not having the tv in a proper entertainment center, i hate how the couches slide around on the floor because of the stupid tile. i HATE my kitchen. it is dated, the tile is really poorly done, the countertops are a light color that show everything. we don't have a kitchen table big enough for more than 2 (in fact this table isn't even ours!) nothing matches in the kitchen. everything is the same stupid off whitish color that looks dirty all the time no matter how much i clean. can you tell i really hate off white?

the kitchen won't get remodeled until 2013. i know that. we will have it done before baby. we are going to save money and throw the tax return at it. we want to have a really nice kitchen with new floors, new cabinets, the whole shabang. it will be expensive but worth it. at least as long as we do it the first part of the year i will be hopefully pregnant and not trying to handle a new born with NO kitchen.

so the new year always comes with new goals. new things to get done. new things to accomplish. i am really excited for 2012. i think we are going to have a really good year. i think we are going to get a lot done. its 2012 or never is the way i am looking at it. we have made a goal to have the paint done, the carpet in, new couches, new tv, new entertainment center by august. the rest of the year we will be trying to get new bedroom furniture. corbins room first.

so much rambling. sorry. this blog is about me and what is on my mind so it generally is me rambling about all the things that have been on my mind lately.
enough for now! will post soon with weight loss progress!

first of all i want to make it very clear that everything i am about to post really happened. i'm not one to lie on my blog.

saturday:
saturday night i got off work and we headed to tucanos for dusty's birthday dinner. we took our little monkey and had a great time just the three of us. after dinner it was time to drop off corbin at grandma tamis house and head out to wendover for a night of fun for my man. sooo... we get to wendover, check in to our room, have a few beers and head out to start gambling. we were not winning anything but we still had a great night. if you know anything about me and dusty we are gamblers. being that it was dustys birthday i was going to make sure he had a good chunk of money to burn thru and i also had a good chunk for me too. so we gambled all night til 4 am. we lost... and lost... and lost. when we went to bed we had 100 left for the morning. (we like to gamble all night and a little in the morning).

sunday:
so we got up the next morning and gambled... and lost. we lost everything. dusty had 5 bucks left and he wanted to get us a couple drinks for the road. i told him... "we will get drinks with the debit card. go pick a machine, stick that 5 bucks in there and hit max bet." dusty knew exactly what he wanted to play. we headed over to the game, he put his 5 bucks in there, hit max bet and.... BAM! 82 dollars! next spin... BAM bonus round with 5 free spins...BAM! bonus round 100 bucks won! pretty sweet right? well get this! so he spun once, nothing... next spin...BAM another bonus round! 5 free spins later and he won 327!!! this puts us at 500 and change. i was shocked. 5 bucks left and won almost all of the money we lost the night before back. it was pretty awesome and it made the trip fun and plus it was now officially dustys birthday. great way to end wendover. so we played a little bit more and came home. perfect.
we got home, picked up corbin and now it was time to go christmas shopping with grandma tami. every year (i LOVE this tradition!), we go out with tami and she buys us all an outfit for christmas. pants, shirt, shoes, the whole shabang. so we head out to go shopping and hit the buckle. dusty loves buckle jeans. for the past couple years i don't buy jeans from buckle. not that i don't want to... i'm scared they won't have anything that fits me. i am completely terrified of asking one of those skinny little things that works in there to measure me or help me find something. while dusty is looking for jeans i'm browsing and i see a 36'. i'm thinking "well this is going to be a tight fit but it won't hurt to try them." so i grab them, head to a dressing room and pull them on. they are huge. do not fit me. not even close. so i tell the girl helping me i need a 34'. i try the 34... they fit but still kinda loose in the butt and thighs. so i tell her a 32' . i'm in shock right now because i truely and sincerely believed i wouldn't even find jeans in buckle and now i have gone down 2 sizes! so i try the 32's. they fit. not only do they fit but my butt looks amazing and they really slim down my thighs. i am not going to pretend that i did not have some serious muffin top but i decided to get them anyways because i am planning on loosing some serious pounds by the time we go to disneyland. i just started the "1st annual weightloss smackdown" which is a 90 day challenge for people wanting to drop some weight and whoever wins in the end gets some cash. did i mention the public posting of progress on the challenges facebook page? yeah that is plenty of motivation for me. plus i LOVE those jeans. i will be able to wear them muffin top free. i am excited. love them. so we both got our outfits , headed to birthday dinner at spaghetti factory and headed home to finish out dustys bday with some dvr. we went to bed super early.
it was a great weekend!

this morning i headed to the gym for a good workout and some tanning. then came home and me and corbin went out and finished christmas shopping. right now he is still accross from me downing some pasta while i think about what i am going to put on my fat free salad.

i really can't believe how amazing my husband is. he makes me so happy. he gave me the best compliment that i have ever gotten from anyone ever in my life... we were driving to wendover and half the time we rock out and the other half we talk and talk and talk. so we were talking about my family and my past (which is all very crazy and not something i really talk about to anyone) and dusty said... "you are the strongest person i have ever known in my whole life. you have been thru so much and you don't let it define you." i wanted to cry it made me feel so good. all i have ever tried to do is not let the crazy bring me down. he just knows exactly what to say to make me feel better or to be supportive. he is really really amazing. we started talking about my weight and he told me that i have been able to overcome so much in my short life that losing some pounds shouldn't even be an issue or something that i struggle with. he said that if i put my mind to it... i can do it. he is right. i know he is right. i feel like if i can get this weight off i can do anything.

so now we have christmas and then disneyland. i want to be down at least 20-30 before disneyland. i know that is a lot. i know its not realistic but i also know that i can do it. and i will do it.

what am i thankful for? that is a loaded question. i am thankful for so many things in my life right now. things are perfect.

- my sweet little boy. he is my world. he is amazing.
- my husband. i don't know what i would do without dusty. he makes me laugh, makes me feel secure, he loves me so much. he is in love with me. we don't fight ever, we have an amazing marriage. i am sooooo thankful that i am in a great marriage with no fighting and no bs. we are very lucky we found eachother.
- my job. i love my job. i love the people and i love the money.
- finally making money. money isn't everything but it sure makes it a lot easier.
- 4 digit number sitting in my bank acct for nothing but christmas shopping.
- i can take my family to disneyland... an all out disneyland vacation.
- my mother in law. i don't know what i would do without tami! she helps so much with corbin, she always answers her phone when i call her to talk about nothing, she helps me calm down and offer great advise. she is my voice of reason.
- my nook. i read so much now that i have it. it is my favorite material possesion.
- danielle. i know we don't see eachother that much but i know that if i ever needed anything be it a shopping partner or a shoulder to cry on... she would drop everything to be there for me.
- dvr. enough said.
- foster the people. love them. love love love them.
- pinterest. it has truely opened up this new creative side of me that i just love.
- black friday. easily my favorite day of the year.
- my home. i love my home and i am so proud to say that me and dusty are home owners.
- the gym. it has been a slow process but thanks to dedication i have lost 10 pounds :)
- my smart phone. how did i live with out one ?
- pandora. i do NOT have an i-pod or an i-phone. i just don't need one and i would rather buy books.
- my health and happiness. i am so lucky to be healthy, have a healthy family and i am happier than i have ever been.

there are a ton more things i am thankful for but this is all i can think of at the moment and we are going to go have thanksgiving with my family, so that is all for now!

its weird how getting older can change your perspective of things. time isn't something i have ever really thought about. its not something i worry about getting away from me. 10 years ago today i was in primary childrens medical center in ICU in a medically induced coma. weird. yesterday was the 10 year anniversary of a day that changed my life. it was a day that i will never forget. 10 years ago today i was in my car accident. i just turned 15. i was juggling school, and boys, and friends, and trying to keep up with making my stepdad not hate me somehow. my parents were seperating and for the most part i lived with my grandma. on september 30th 2002 i was with a boy who would later become one of the biggest mistakes of my life and we decided to make cheesecake for some reason. i don't remember why but on the way to the store he got mad at me... and started speeding... 45 in a 25. i asked him to slow down and he wouldn't. i looked at him, looked back in front of me and there was a giant suburban turning left directly in front of us. i screamed and put my hand in front of me. for some reason i always put the seat all the way up as close to the window as it would go and prop my left knee on the dash. this is how i was when we hit. i screamed and was knocked out on impact. when i woke up i could see the windsheild was smashed. the first thing i did was look at my hand. i put my right hand in front of me and it hit the windsheild. it was broken. then i saw the smoke. the only thing i could think of was getting out of that car. i was so afraid it was going to burst in to flames and i would be trapped. now keep in mind i NEVER wore my seatbelt before this and for some reason i had it on. i had to get out. so out of panic i reached up with my broken right hand and tried to move the seatbelt to where it was behind me. then i felt a huge amount of pain and heard a loud CRACK. that was when i knew my collar bone was also broken. i couldn't move my left leg. my knee was fractured from having in on the dash when we hit. keep in mind all of this happened over the course of about 60 seconds. once i knew i was seriously hurt and there was no way i was getting myself out of that car i started to panic. i couldn't breathe. i was trying to scream for help and couldn't. i don't remember him showing up but there was a jogger in the area who low and behold was an EMT. he kept telling me not to move. don't move don't move was all he said at first. i found out later that on impact my head hit the headrest so hard it knocked it clean off the seat so they were very worried about me moving my head/neck/back. when the ambulance finally arrived i still didn't feel like i was going to be ok. there were 2 emts and 2 fireman there to get me out of the car. they had to rip the door off then move me to a stretcher. once i was out of the car and in the ambulance all i wanted was my mom. i kept screaming for my mom. finally she got there right as they were getting ready to move me to the hospital. on the way to the hospital i was stabbed with needles more times then i can tell you. i was in shock so i didn't have any good veins. i was given 2 IVS with fluids and had blood work drawn. i was taken to the tooele hospital. while at the hospital i had xrays done on my hand and knee. hand broken. knee fractured. collarbone broken. my mom was with me. i was terrified. she said "it could always be worse. you could be in a helicopter." it wasn't even 5 minutes later a nurse came in and said they got my blood back and i needed to be airlifted to primary. i thought i was going to die. it took about 10 minutes for the helicopter. when they were ready for me they wrapped me in those awesome heated blankets. they told me it was going to be loud. when i was in the helicopter i kept coming in and out of conciousness. i only remember one thing. i don't remember if it was loud, i don't remember take off or landing, but i remember the blue light. it was right over me, just an interior helicopter light but i remember that more vividly then anything. everything after the blue light is a blur. i remember being told i was getting a catheter. it really is as bad as you think. trust me. i remember being told something was wrong with my spleen. i was in icu for 3 days. i remember visitors. i remember a distant cousin coming and talking to my mom saying she was so sorry. again i thought i was going to die. when i finally woke up i was able to learn what was wrong with me. i had been put in a medically induced coma because the car accident had laserated my spleen and the doctors were afraid it was going to rupture. i was then moved to a normal recovery room. after 5 days in recovery i was able to go home. i have an intense fear of needles. i am nervous in a car unless i am driving. i have ptsd. i hate hospitals. i am a control freak. but i am greatful. i am so glad i have been able to see the last 10 years. good. bad. i'm just glad i get to be here. i know i know... its just a frickin car accident. but this car accident changed me. completely. and its been on my mind and blogging usually helps.

i guess since i have a minute of quiet i will write about our trip!

monday:
woke up at 315 am to get ready to head to the airport at 430. tami came and picked us up and we flew confirmed (bought tickets) to long beach. we got to long beach about 730. we caught a shuttle and headed to the paradise pier hotel. once we got there we dropped off our bags, loaded up the stroller and headed to the park! i had my fanny pack strapped on my hip, stroller in front of me with my favorite little guy riding passenger, dusty my love, and tami my voice of reason all with me and we were ready to hit the park! we spent almost the whole day in disneyland barely even ventured over to ca adventure that day. it was perfect. corbin loved it and had so much fun. we ate a TON of junk food then headed over to my dinner choice; tortilla jo's. it was amazing like it always is. we then headed back to the room to get some much needed sleep.

tuesday:
woke up at 630 to get ready to be at character breakfast at 8 am. we went to goofys kitchen at disneyland hotel which was freaking amazing. if you have never done a character breakfast and you have little ones, you NEED to do it. they come right to your table, interact with each person, stick around for pics, sign autograph books, the whole 9. it was great. corbin loved them. he really warmed up to baloo from jungle book. loved baloo. he would laugh like crazy everytime one of them came over after baloo. it was awesome. if you haven't done it you need to. after that was headed over to the park. the park closed at 6 that day but it was fine because we had medieval times dinner that night. we ran around the park all day and got as much in as we could. we went back to the hotel about 330, got ready for dinner and caught our bus to medieval times. we had paid in advanced for the kings royalty upgrade which included pictures. right before we went up to take pictures corbin fell HARD and hit his little nose right on a step. he was screaming heis head off but dusty is so amazing he was able to calm him down and we actually got some pretty good pics. then it was time to head in to the bar. LOL. we all had drinks (except corbin of course!) tami had a daquiri, i had more beers then i care to say, dusty was drinking beer... it was a good time. our knight was the red and yellow night. he won! our knight won and is protector of the realm. oh yeah! after dinner we went back to the hotel and tami was nice enough to watch corbin for us so we could go out and continue our party. we walked all the way over to downtown disney and everything was closed! wtf! it was only 10!! so we went back to the hotel and had beer at the bar in there. we had a beer each and went back to the room to get ready for the next day.

wednesday:
this day was awesome. we did sooooo much. first thing in the morning we decided character dining was so awesome we wanted to go again. we went to the one at our hotel which really sucked compared to goofys kitchen. the characters weren't coming by and i was getting annoyed. it was time to go to the park. we did all of the little kid rides in ca adventure for corbin, took him to the disney junior show, and we all got to do the adult rides too. it worked perfect. by this time we had figured out a system. we would go go go til corbin fell asleep about 1230-100, once he was out we would all take turns going on the adult rides. dusty and tami decided they wanted to go on the toy story ride in ca adventure (which is sooo much fun), i agreed to just hang out with sleeping corbin while they went. so they went and got in line and sleeping corbin and i went wondering down the boardwalk. i came across a BEER STAND. did you know they sold beer in ca adventure? me neither! i got me a beer and started walking back to where i would meet dusty and tami. i found a bench in the shade by the farriswheel and just sat there and relaxed. it was just what i needed. then when they came out of the ride we headed over to disneyland to started getting some rides in over there. it was great. after our long day in the park we stopped and got some pizza and salads to take back to the room. we were all exhausted!

thursday:
oh thursday.... i hate thursday. we got up early because we had our magic morning that day. we got to the park when they were letting people in for the early entry and went straight to fantasy land. we did as many rides in fantasy land as possible before the park opened to everyone. we went over to a restaurant in the park when we were done there to have breakfast. breakfast was good but something happened later in the day i am convinced was linked to this breakfast! after breakfast me and dusty did splash mountain and we got pictures with tigger and pooh and decided to go to tomorrow land. i wasn't feeling well. i threw up in one of the bathrooms and felt a tiny bit better so me and dusty decided to go on space mountain. something wasn't right. i felt like i had swallowed a bowling ball and it was really really wanting to come out. we went on space mountain and i as done after that. i knew i wouldn't make it. i tried to drink some sprite and eat something salty to calm my tummy but it wasn't happening. i told dusty and tami i needed to go back to the room for a bit. dusty and tami were worried and wanted to come back too. it was only noon. i was not going to let me being sick ruin everyones last day of vacation. so dusty and tami finally agreed and i went back. it was the longest walk of my life. i didn't want to barf everywhere in front of everyone so i struggled the whole way to keep composed. when i FINALLY got back to the room all hell broke loose. i was throwing up. i puked for about a half hour then layed down to try and sleep it off. i set my phone alarm for an hour. i woke up to it still feeling like trash. so i slept for another hour and tami called to check on me. i told her i wasn't going to make it back to the park but i really wanted her and dusty to do everything they could to make sure corbin and they had a great last day. dusty and tami came back to the room with corbin at about 530. this is when it got REALLY bad. i couldn't keep anything down. not a sip of water, not any pepto, nothing. i was throwing up when there was nothing to throw up. we called the hotel nurse and they refused to see me and recommended i get to an emergency room. worst idea ever. this scared me and it scared everyone else too. dusty insisted we go. we called a cab to take us and we got dropped off at the most ghetto place i have ever been in my life. it was down a back alley, it smelled bad. it was packed full. no where to sit. they told us there was at least a five hour wait. NO WAY. i told dusty i would get worse sitting here waiting and we better just go back to the hotel. we called the cab and got the hell out of there. i was so bad. scarey bad. we got back to the hotel and i took a bath. i turned that water as hot as it would go and filled the tub as full as i could. i stayed in there for probably 30 minutes. dusty sat with me and talked with me about what we should do next. well after the bath i was feeling much better and was able to keep water down. we focused mostly on getting me hydrated and to bed. i went to bed. dusty is a saint. he packed everything. he got everything all ready for us to leave at 4 am the next day, tami took care of corbin and got him to bed. everyone worked as a team for me. dusty got me clothes for the next day, corbin clothes for the next day, left out the toothbrushes and stuff for morning, packed any breakables perfect and nothing broke. he was amazing. best husband ever. tami was amazing too. she helped so much. so it was about 2 am and we had to be up at 4 and i wake up... i can hear dusty puking. OMG. now he is sick too. what are we going to do! we have to leave in 2 hours to go sit in the airport and hope we make our flight (we were flying standby home). luckily dusty wasn't nearly as sick as i was so we were able to get up and go. we got to the airport and i was feeling faint. i couldnt stand for more then 10 minutes without feeling like i was going to pass out. so as sick as dusty was he handled checking the bags and taking care of everything while tami chased corbin. again both of them are amazing. we finally get threw security and to our gate. 2 seats open. 2 people aren't going on this flight. dusty and tami both agreed it best for me to go because i was so sick and i said i would take corbin so i could get at least us home. longest flight of my life. corbin was pretty good but i had to pee the whole time and of course couldn't go because i cant just leave my 2 year old who won't buckle his seatbelt or sit still by himself. the stupid flight attendants wouldn't bring us drinks (keep in mind corbin is screaming for "milky" at this point). i didnt know how i was getting home or what the crap i was going to do when i got to salt lake. we landed and i turned on my phone to see that my amazing fellow travelers had called derek (brother in law) to come get me and corbin. derek had text me and told me to call him when i got in. me and corbin went pee FINALLY and went down to baggage. i wasn't even going to try to get the bags because it was not going to be possible. i had the stroller. plus the checked bags were 2 large suitcases, and a car seat. not easy for one sick weak person. i got to the baggage and there they were. all of them. all together. i decided screw it and just grabbed them. now i had to figure out how to get them curbside for derek to come get us. i was struggling plus looked like i had been hit by a damn bus and a nice man came to help me. he took one of my bags and walked it curbside. so many people had helped this poor girl for the last 24 hours i could of cried i was so greatful. derek arrived shortly after and when we finally tetris'd all the bags into his car plus corbin in one car seat and brady in another we were on our way. i got home and corbin went right to sleep on the couch, i grabbed a pillow and blanket and passed out. i woke up to dusty and tami knocking on the door. everyone was home. safe and sound. thank god. derek saved me that day because i would of died if i had to sit in a damn airport for another 4 hours. dusty was amazing as usual. tami helped so much with corbin and helped keep me and dusty level headed. everyone helped. everyone was there for me. that is what family is all about.

we had a great time despite me getting sick. i am so glad we took tami. it really made the trip and we enjoyed her company every second. corbin loved having grandma all to himself and not going to lie we loved having tami all to ourselves too :). it was great. awesome trip. awesome family. great memories.

by the way! if you have never traveled with a fanny pack you haven't lived. that thing was my best friend. i had everything i needed strapped right to my hip. no digging in my purse no worrying about losing anything or anything getting stolen. it was awesome. love my fanny. don't like carrying a purse around anymore. buy a fanny pack if you are traveling! i don't care how ridiculous it looked it is easily the most convienient thing i have ever owned. love the fanny.

i just have to get one last post in before vacation. mostly because i am so excited i feel like i could explode and there isn't much i can do yet because dusty is sleeping.

i woke up this morning hitting my goal weight for the trip. i got on the scale this morning and thought it was lieing. i literally weighed myself like 6 times and every time it said the same thing. i can't believe it. i never thought ever that i could do it. i just never gave up and right now in this moment i couldn't be happier with myself. the hard work, the dieting, the constant voice i have kept in my head telling myself i could do this. i thought that voice was a lier. i thought i put it there to trick myself into staying motivated so no matter what happened i would still keep going. i am not stopping now. hell no. i still have 30 more pounds to lose before i will be at my dream weight. i know it is a slow process and that i why i am so excited to celebrate this victory. 19.5 pounds. gone. never coming back. i feel like i could do anything right now. i have been struggling with my weight since i had corbin. i hated looking in the mirror. i hated getting pictures taken of myself. i really just hated myself in general. right now i don't. right now i am so proud of myself. i can't believe it. OMG i can't believe it! I AM SO HAPPY!!!

when the crap did it become febuary 5th? WTH! we leave tomorrow. how the hell did this come so quickly? how did i do this? how did i plan this? how do i have everything booked, reservations made, and tickets to the happiest place on earth sitting right in front of me? OMG. tomorrow. tomorrow we arrive in long beach at 7:24. we will be at the hotel by 9 am. the park opens at 10. we will be there in line waiting to go in the park in 24 hours. wow. i am so excited to take corbin. i am so excited for him to see mickey and donald and minnie. i am so excited to take him to the live disney junior show. i am so excited to take him on rides and let him eat sugar all day and run around disneyland without a care in the world. can't wait. so much to do. packing. cleaning. gym. tanning. laundry. key to family member to check on house. paint toes. set dvr. cash in coins we have been saving to add to spending money. one thing that i am more proud of then anything is we paid for this whole trip. didn't charge a thing. aren't charging a thing the whole time we are there. we have more to take and spend then the entire trip cost. holy crap its sunday! i can officially say that we are going to be in disneyland in 24 hours. i cannot believe it. time to wake up dusty and get moving! so. much. to. do.

WOW. thats all i can really say right now. i can't believe that 7 days from right now i will be running around my house packing for disneyland. i remember when we booked the trip. doesn't seem that long ago. now it is here. so weird. time is flying by lately. i have so much going on in my life right now. i feel like i am always going somewhere. always doing something. its nuts.

i am finally losing weight. the right way. no fad diets. i have been going to the gym at least an hour 5 days a week. i have been dieting. it is working! i have lost 15.3 pounds as of right now. i feel great. i do have these feelings of doubt. i always doubt myself. i never feel like it is enough. did i workout enough? did i count my calories good enough? am i strong enough to do this? its hard. i have been trying to keep positive. not easy. busting my butt to lose a pound or 2 a week is really really different for me. on hcg i was losing 1-2 pounds per day. so this slow but steady thing is all new. i am still trying to get used to it. i feel amazing tho. i have energy and i feel stronger. i am a size smaller in jeans and my boobs are shrinking! (i know most people would think this is a bad thing but in my case its really not.) i just feel like i am at war with myself. i have a constant battle going on in my head. i am so proud of myself and i feel so confident i can do this! i also doubt myself and don't feel like i will succeed. its so back and forth. all day. everyday. i am really currently focusing on keeping my head right and being aware of how good i am doing. i know i look better. i don't look how i want to yet but i know i will. just gotta keep going and stay positive. the goal is 140. i still have a ways to go but i can do it! dusty has been sooooo amazing as usual thru out my whole weight loss thing. he supports me 110%. there is no way i would be able to do this and i would of lost what i did without him. i go to the gym monday, tuesday, wednesday morning. he wakes me up, watches corbin, and still manages to get himself ready for work before i even get home. thursdays and fridays i get home from work, throw on my gym clothes and usually don't get home until 830 or 9 and dusty is home watching corbin. he has been a huge support. i am so lucky to have him. he always makes sure my gym clothes are clean for me when i get home. he has been taking care of the house and just everything. he does everything. i feel so useless around there lately. if i'm not at work i am at the gym. when he is at work i am so exhausted from working all week and gym all week i don't do anything. it is SO hard for me to find any motivation on my days off because i am soooo spent. he is just amazing. i can't believe how lucky i am. he is my best friend and my rock. i would be lost with out dusty and he keeps me in check ;)

disneyland. wow. i am not trying to brag but i am pretty damn proud of myself. i have never planned anything this big before. hotel booked, reservations for food and shuttles made, plane tickets purchased, money for spending saved. now if i can get us all packed and not forget anything i will really be impressed. this is going to be an amazing trip. i am so excited to be staying at a disneyland property. i can't believe it. that is one thing i never thought i would be able to do. we are going to have breakfast with characters. we are going to have 4 full days in the park. we are taking a good amount of spending money. we are taking tami! we are going to have soooo much fun. i am so excited to spend some quality time with tami. we hung out ALL THE TIME when me and dusty lived with her. eating dinner together every night, watching our shows together. i miss it. can't wait to have it be the 4 of us in disneyland for 4 whole days! so excited. so stressed. so ready. now i just need the giants to win the superbowl the night before we leave...

i cannot believe that 2011 is over. this year had some major ups and downs. i made some big moves... 2011 our basement flooded. worst.day.ever. i left skywest and got an awesome job at amex. (major upgrade). we didn't get too much accomplished in 2011. i look at all the things we planned on doing that we didn't do and it is a little depressing. so 2012 will be different. i know everyone says that. "next year we will get things done. next year we will accomplish resolutions and get shit done." well i plan on saying those things and meaning them. next year is the get it done now or never year. with planning on getting pregnant the first part of 2013 we have to get stuff done. i don't want to be remodeling a kitchen with a new baby. i don't want to be painting a house with a new baby. i don't want to be scrambling right before i have the baby to get the room ready and house ready. i don't want to be fat when i get pregnant so i go thru the same weight struggles with new baby that i went thru with corbin. so as we all know i am a list person. this is my 2012 list and how i plan i getting it done.
keep in mind we do have a huge vacation planned and when we get back we are going to be dumping money in savings like crazy...

1- lose weight. i know. how cliche am i... last year i lost 30 pounds and gained it all back. i lose i gain i lose i gain. that is because i have never tried to lose weight the way you are supposed to lose weight. i have done hcg, i have crash dieted, i have taken diet pills and starved myself. it doesn't work. it always comes back. i started 2 weeks ago dieting and excersing like a healthy person who wants to lose weight. i have lost 6.5 pounds. who knew diet and cardio actually work. i know it won't happen overnight like hcg, i know some weeks i won't lose anything or worse i might even gain. as long as i keep my mind right and stay focused i can do it and i will. since we are all friends here i will say that right now i weigh 180. i want to be in the 160 area (even if it is 169.9) before we go on our trip. 10 pounds in 5 weeks. i can do that. i just have to be good and keep it up!

2- have an amazing vacation to kick off the new year. that is going to happen. trip is paid for. all we need to do is save up some spending money and we are good to go. no better way to kick off 2012 then disneyland in my opinion.

3- number 3 is a pretty loaded thing. there is so much to do that involves number 3. we are going to disney and when we get back we are going to DUMP money in savings. i mean as much money as possible. 2012 we have to : get new carpet in the living room and upstairs in all the bedrooms, we need to paint the whole inside of the house, we need to get a new couch, new entertainment center, new giant tv, new furniture for the bedrooms. i know i put NEED on a lot of things on the list that we probably don't NEED but we want it and we are going to work for it. i just picture myself in the living room with the new baby on the floor under a blankie on the new carpet with corbin watching a movie on our big tv sitting in our new entertainment center. i don't really love my house. i mean i love having it but i don't love it. i want to walk in my house and look around and love everything about it. i want to love the color of the walls and carpet, love the decor, everything. i think it is really important to truely love where you live. i hate the tile floor and being so freaked out that corbin is going to fall and crack his head open, i hate the dirty off white color of the walls, i hate not having the tv in a proper entertainment center, i hate how the couches slide around on the floor because of the stupid tile. i HATE my kitchen. it is dated, the tile is really poorly done, the countertops are a light color that show everything. we don't have a kitchen table big enough for more than 2 (in fact this table isn't even ours!) nothing matches in the kitchen. everything is the same stupid off whitish color that looks dirty all the time no matter how much i clean. can you tell i really hate off white?

the kitchen won't get remodeled until 2013. i know that. we will have it done before baby. we are going to save money and throw the tax return at it. we want to have a really nice kitchen with new floors, new cabinets, the whole shabang. it will be expensive but worth it. at least as long as we do it the first part of the year i will be hopefully pregnant and not trying to handle a new born with NO kitchen.

so the new year always comes with new goals. new things to get done. new things to accomplish. i am really excited for 2012. i think we are going to have a really good year. i think we are going to get a lot done. its 2012 or never is the way i am looking at it. we have made a goal to have the paint done, the carpet in, new couches, new tv, new entertainment center by august. the rest of the year we will be trying to get new bedroom furniture. corbins room first.

so much rambling. sorry. this blog is about me and what is on my mind so it generally is me rambling about all the things that have been on my mind lately.
enough for now! will post soon with weight loss progress!

first of all i want to make it very clear that everything i am about to post really happened. i'm not one to lie on my blog.

saturday:
saturday night i got off work and we headed to tucanos for dusty's birthday dinner. we took our little monkey and had a great time just the three of us. after dinner it was time to drop off corbin at grandma tamis house and head out to wendover for a night of fun for my man. sooo... we get to wendover, check in to our room, have a few beers and head out to start gambling. we were not winning anything but we still had a great night. if you know anything about me and dusty we are gamblers. being that it was dustys birthday i was going to make sure he had a good chunk of money to burn thru and i also had a good chunk for me too. so we gambled all night til 4 am. we lost... and lost... and lost. when we went to bed we had 100 left for the morning. (we like to gamble all night and a little in the morning).

sunday:
so we got up the next morning and gambled... and lost. we lost everything. dusty had 5 bucks left and he wanted to get us a couple drinks for the road. i told him... "we will get drinks with the debit card. go pick a machine, stick that 5 bucks in there and hit max bet." dusty knew exactly what he wanted to play. we headed over to the game, he put his 5 bucks in there, hit max bet and.... BAM! 82 dollars! next spin... BAM bonus round with 5 free spins...BAM! bonus round 100 bucks won! pretty sweet right? well get this! so he spun once, nothing... next spin...BAM another bonus round! 5 free spins later and he won 327!!! this puts us at 500 and change. i was shocked. 5 bucks left and won almost all of the money we lost the night before back. it was pretty awesome and it made the trip fun and plus it was now officially dustys birthday. great way to end wendover. so we played a little bit more and came home. perfect.
we got home, picked up corbin and now it was time to go christmas shopping with grandma tami. every year (i LOVE this tradition!), we go out with tami and she buys us all an outfit for christmas. pants, shirt, shoes, the whole shabang. so we head out to go shopping and hit the buckle. dusty loves buckle jeans. for the past couple years i don't buy jeans from buckle. not that i don't want to... i'm scared they won't have anything that fits me. i am completely terrified of asking one of those skinny little things that works in there to measure me or help me find something. while dusty is looking for jeans i'm browsing and i see a 36'. i'm thinking "well this is going to be a tight fit but it won't hurt to try them." so i grab them, head to a dressing room and pull them on. they are huge. do not fit me. not even close. so i tell the girl helping me i need a 34'. i try the 34... they fit but still kinda loose in the butt and thighs. so i tell her a 32' . i'm in shock right now because i truely and sincerely believed i wouldn't even find jeans in buckle and now i have gone down 2 sizes! so i try the 32's. they fit. not only do they fit but my butt looks amazing and they really slim down my thighs. i am not going to pretend that i did not have some serious muffin top but i decided to get them anyways because i am planning on loosing some serious pounds by the time we go to disneyland. i just started the "1st annual weightloss smackdown" which is a 90 day challenge for people wanting to drop some weight and whoever wins in the end gets some cash. did i mention the public posting of progress on the challenges facebook page? yeah that is plenty of motivation for me. plus i LOVE those jeans. i will be able to wear them muffin top free. i am excited. love them. so we both got our outfits , headed to birthday dinner at spaghetti factory and headed home to finish out dustys bday with some dvr. we went to bed super early.
it was a great weekend!

this morning i headed to the gym for a good workout and some tanning. then came home and me and corbin went out and finished christmas shopping. right now he is still accross from me downing some pasta while i think about what i am going to put on my fat free salad.

i really can't believe how amazing my husband is. he makes me so happy. he gave me the best compliment that i have ever gotten from anyone ever in my life... we were driving to wendover and half the time we rock out and the other half we talk and talk and talk. so we were talking about my family and my past (which is all very crazy and not something i really talk about to anyone) and dusty said... "you are the strongest person i have ever known in my whole life. you have been thru so much and you don't let it define you." i wanted to cry it made me feel so good. all i have ever tried to do is not let the crazy bring me down. he just knows exactly what to say to make me feel better or to be supportive. he is really really amazing. we started talking about my weight and he told me that i have been able to overcome so much in my short life that losing some pounds shouldn't even be an issue or something that i struggle with. he said that if i put my mind to it... i can do it. he is right. i know he is right. i feel like if i can get this weight off i can do anything.

so now we have christmas and then disneyland. i want to be down at least 20-30 before disneyland. i know that is a lot. i know its not realistic but i also know that i can do it. and i will do it.

what am i thankful for? that is a loaded question. i am thankful for so many things in my life right now. things are perfect.

- my sweet little boy. he is my world. he is amazing.
- my husband. i don't know what i would do without dusty. he makes me laugh, makes me feel secure, he loves me so much. he is in love with me. we don't fight ever, we have an amazing marriage. i am sooooo thankful that i am in a great marriage with no fighting and no bs. we are very lucky we found eachother.
- my job. i love my job. i love the people and i love the money.
- finally making money. money isn't everything but it sure makes it a lot easier.
- 4 digit number sitting in my bank acct for nothing but christmas shopping.
- i can take my family to disneyland... an all out disneyland vacation.
- my mother in law. i don't know what i would do without tami! she helps so much with corbin, she always answers her phone when i call her to talk about nothing, she helps me calm down and offer great advise. she is my voice of reason.
- my nook. i read so much now that i have it. it is my favorite material possesion.
- danielle. i know we don't see eachother that much but i know that if i ever needed anything be it a shopping partner or a shoulder to cry on... she would drop everything to be there for me.
- dvr. enough said.
- foster the people. love them. love love love them.
- pinterest. it has truely opened up this new creative side of me that i just love.
- black friday. easily my favorite day of the year.
- my home. i love my home and i am so proud to say that me and dusty are home owners.
- the gym. it has been a slow process but thanks to dedication i have lost 10 pounds :)
- my smart phone. how did i live with out one ?
- pandora. i do NOT have an i-pod or an i-phone. i just don't need one and i would rather buy books.
- my health and happiness. i am so lucky to be healthy, have a healthy family and i am happier than i have ever been.

there are a ton more things i am thankful for but this is all i can think of at the moment and we are going to go have thanksgiving with my family, so that is all for now!